FUTURE NEWS: Florida Stands its Ground

In what the state of Florida was quick to characterize as a "...clear case of self defense," in reaction to the continued hostility over the George Zimmerman verdict, the Florida state government in association with local militia groups, commandeered and launched nuclear weapons against targets within the other contiguous 47 United States. The death toll continues to rise as sources within the rogue state remain nonchalant and even defiant, pointing to its own Stand Your Ground statute as justification. The Florida attorney general  said, "We as the residents of Florida felt bodily threatened by the unkind words and aggressive posturing of the rest of America. But we are more than willing to accept any apologies offered. As a gesture of good will, those looking for temporary accommodations should consider Florida's incomparable beaches and resorts." She then proceeded to pitch real estate and timeshare options.

     The Governor of Texas went on record condemning the outrage and expressing sympathy with those in the (largely urban) centers affected, "We pledge the full weight of Texan support to any who require it." Stepping back from the rostrum and not realizing his mic was still on the governor  then joked with his colleagues, "I'm only pissed those orange squeezers thought of it first."

     Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson was quick to blame the incident on the continued gains made by gay marriage advocates. Saying that, "...this sort of righteous judgement will only continue as the outrages against God expand."  He seemed utterly oblivious when questioned that God is not in fact governor of Florida.